Yes, I’m Still Running.
Item: Tee-Shirt Color/Fabric: Black/white/Bono, cotton Designer: Unknown Where Purchased: Free, Grandma’s Garage Years Owned: 12ish
Today is glorious! I didn’t have to be at work until the afternoon, and I had no appointments to attend, no vital shopping obligation to fulfill, and no urgent house cleaning operations to undertake. And so, I got to have a lovely, leisurely morning. One that included writing! Bliss.
Let’s ponder this ancient tee, shall we?
It is from 1987. 25 years old. That’s older than many of you out there reading this!
I haven’t owned it for that long, though. I was nine when this tee was made, and was into Tiffany and Debbie Gibson at the time. My U2 sickness wouldn’t befall me for another three years (for more info about that topic, start here).
I found this in a place of legend, a hollowed place, really. My Grandparents’ garage.
The shopping gene truly does flow through my veins. My Grandparents were simply epic shoppers.
They would be the King and Queen of Extreme Couponing if they were still here with us.
They shopped like it was their job.
Every Sunday, they would get the paper, with extra coupon inserts, and cut coupons for hours. Then they would tediously scour the grocery store ads for what was on sale, painstakingly match the sales to the coupons, and the go on double or triple coupon day.
This was a process to behold.
A complicated, beautiful, money-saving ballet.
When it was over, they had their very own grocery store in their basement, where all the family could go to get boxes of Kix for $0.07.
But their shopping prowess wasn’t merely limited to groceries.
They were also consummate garage sale shoppers.
Every summer, they would have a giant garage sale, where they would sell treasures found at other garage sales, and where the rest of the family could sell things, too.
I always found something wonderful.
Eventually, it became too much work to hold the sales. But somehow Grandma always had boxes full of mysterious goodies.
I can’t remember where they came from, if they were leftovers from years past, or things people had given her in case she ever did another sale. But when we got to go through one of those boxes, it was like Christmas and a slot machine all rolled into one.
Because you just never knew what you might find.
Sometimes, there were treasures untold.
And sometimes there were piles of junk.
It was exciting and exhilarating, and I loved it.
And one day, I think I found this tee.
I wish I could describe how I felt when I beheld this, crumpled in a cardboard box.
It was like I had discovered a treasure map hidden behind a painting that had hung in my living room for years.
Not exactly like that, mind you, but sort of close to that.
A feeling of sublime joy mixed with extreme bewilderment.
Where had this come from? Was one of my family members a U2 fan, like me? Did they actually go to one of the concerts listed here on the back?
Enthralling questions I never found the answers to.
I did ask my Grandma if she knew where this came from, and she had no earthly idea.
Anyway, I think that I found this either my senior year of high school, or my freshman year of college. Those were what I like to call my prime Graphic Tee years. The Graphic Tee wasa solid foundation of my wardrobe. I had many.
Tees with names of places I’d never been, tees with symbols I didn’t know but made up new explanations for every time someone asked me what they meant, logo tees from childhood favorites like Mr. Bubble, tees with holographic pictures of Mario and Luigi on them, and many, many more. This was one of my favorites.
These days, it is definitely showing its age. It may be yellowing in a few places, but it now has that nice tissue paper feel that is very expensive to buy in a new tee.
And it is my number one favorite band of all time. And an album that I love. And there really is nothing quite like a well-loved Rock Tee.
I just don’t know if I can live without this. But I don’t wear it often enough. So maybe I can’t live with it, either.
Gemütlichkeit!
Item: Tee-shirt Color/Fabric: Grey, polyester/cotton/spandex Designer: Spark In The Dark Where Purchased: Urban Outfitters Years Owned: 4
Tonight, a graphic tee! Which is truly a rare entity in my closet. I do have a few that I love to distraction, and can’t imagine living without. Mostly the graphics on the tees I love are pictures, not words.
I guess I like my fashion statements to be a little more subtle.
I want an outfit to imply something like: “Here is a girl who sings wildly in her car!”
I don’t want it to actually say “Here Is A Girl Who Sings Wildly In Her Car!”
That’s just laziness, in my mind.
The same with labels. I like them to be tucked safely inside my shirt at the back of my neck. I don’t want someone else’s name plastered all over my clothing.
To sum up, with fashion, I am a lady of few words.
Then one day, I saw this shirt on sale at Urban Outfitters. Yes, it is a statement tee. But I really love the statement. And now it belongs to me.
Our first outing together was a wonderful one- my first full day in Munich.
We hit the jackpot in Munich. Two of our friends moved there for a spell, and so we got to stay with them, eat their food, and take advantage of their tourism expertise.
And Tim and Keri were excellent hosts!
We spent a lot of time in the main square, as there was some sort of political speech happening. And also the magnificent Glockenspiel, whith its chiming bells and dancing figures. My favorite part was a tiny bird that popped out at the end.
We shopped for Oktoberfest costumes (read more about that here), and then, food!
I only remember three things; a beautiful open air courtyard, brave Tim navigating the menu in German, and pfifferlings. Which are the most delicious mushrooms I have ever tasted.
Sometimes I dream of them.
They are golden, and tender, and juicy- I wish I could describe the exact taste, but nearly four years have gone by, and I’ve lost it.
But that is in my top three tastiest dinners of all time.
Then, we headed to our first beer hall, the Hofbrauhaus. It is a fun and feisty hall with long wooden tables, loud jolly music, and giant mugs of tasty beer.
It also has a dark history- Hitler once held a rally there. You can still see the shapes of swastikas on the ceiling. I found it rather eerie.
Eventually, the friendly, welcoming spirit of the people surrounded us, and we had so much fun. It was a room brimming with joy and good cheer, everyone singing and laughing, swaying frothy beer mugs to the music. Like so:
So maybe we didn’t have any idea what we were singing about. We sang all the same. And maybe my biceps were burning after about 5 minutes of swinging this giant mug around. I swung all the same.
It was about as perfect of a day as any I can recall, a day I will always remember. And I’m glad to have worn this tee. The statement encompassed the atmosphere perfectly.
Love to live, live to love.
What else is there, really?
‘Twas Brillig.
Item: Tee-shirt Color/Fabric: Black, cotton Designer: Hanes Where Purchased: Bowling Green state University Years Owned: 15
Last week, I decided that I would write about tee-shirts for a bit, starting with the yellow one I already posted. Tees are a difficult thing for me. I just never really wear them. I have a few that I really love, but I have an entire dresser that is almost entirely filled with tees I never wear. A few I will pull out for a rehearsal, or painting, or something of that nature. Many are shut in the Vault of Nostalgery, a special drawer I wrote about here. I pulled this gem from the vault tonight.
This tee is positively rife with memories. It’s one of those things where my breath catches just from looking at it. This is a souvenir of my short-lived career in the BGSU Theater Department.
My journey there started in my senior year of high school. My dear friend Erica and I decided to audition for “A Christmas Carol” on the college campus.
It was A Very Big Deal. There was a very clear, undeniable feeling that this one night could change our lives forever.
I’m sure it’s how people who audition for American Idol feel.
We were so nervous it took us nearly 10 minutes to get out of the car. When we finally did, I’m 99% sure we walked into the audition holding hands.
And were faced with one of the largest, most imposing, sternest, mustachioed men I have ever seen.
I almost walked out of the room instantly.
Erica, always the brave one when it counted, made me stay.
The audition is mostly a blur. From my hazy thoughts, I remember crawling on the floor with actual children, pretending to be various inanimate objects, and enduring a long, intense stare-down from the Stern Mustachioed Man. I felt angry, exhausted, strangely proud, and a little ashamed by the end of the night.
Erica and I cried in the car for about an hour after it was all over.
A habit I just can’t seem to shake after auditions…
The stern Mustachioed Man mentioned callbacks on another date. This was the very first time I had heard that word. I assumed it meant that he would call us.
And no call ever came. It was crushing.
A year later, I was a freshman at BGSU. I had decided to audition for the Freshman Show, Six Impossible Things Before Breakfast, because it was about Alice In Wonderland, a lifelong favorite book of mine.
When I got there, there were more people than I could count, some with head shots, some with legwarmers. Both things utterly terrified me.
It seemed like everyone was chatting with someone else, non-nonchalant, like this was an every day occurrence.
I knew no one. And I was shaking.
And then, who should come out to greet us? The Stern Mustachioed Man!
My blood went cold, and I almost vomited. I wanted to leave. And this time I had no Erica to urge me to stay.
Then I thought about Alice, and the Jaberwock, and Bread-and-Butter-Flies. I realized that I absolutely belonged there, even alone. I stayed.
And was cast as The Mock Turtle!
At our very first rehearsal, there was a moment where Stern Mustachioed Man started to stare at me. For a realllly awkward amount of time.
“Did you auditon for A Christmas Carol?”
I nodded.
More staring.
“You never came to the callback.”
Even more staring.
And then he just moved on to something else.
Hmm.
Anyway, I loved our production so much. It was weird, and wonderful, and scary, and brimming with metaphors. Also, I got to cry for practically the entire show!
The only friends I ever made at BGSU were from that show. We were so close that the Hedgehogs even got married!
And now…well, I haven’t contacted anyone involved in that show in five years. Maybe more.
I miss my friends. Desperately.
And in the end, I grew to love the Stern Mustachioed Man. He believed in me.
I don’t think I realized how rare a thing that is until years later; to find someone who truly believes in you.
I wish I had appreciated it more while I was there.
I wish I had appreciated so many things while I was there.
I wish- well, many, many things. Mostly, I guess, that life wouldn’t have to be quite so fast.
Anyway.
This isn’t really something I wear, but I can’t let myself get rid of it. For one thing, my friend Will drew it, and it really captured our crazy production. Plus, it really looks like our Alice. But my favorite part is the back:
A classic line. I love that the words start to disintegrate at the end. Except that it sort of looks like “We’re all MAC.” Perhaps this is a prophetic tee.
So is it worth hanging on to this for purely sentimental reasons? I just don’t know…
Brighter Than Sunshine.
Item: Tee-shirt Color/Fabric: Sunshine, cotton Designer: Rebecca Beeson Where Purchased: TJ Maxx Years Owned: Three
Tonight, I am pondering a tee. This isn’t just any tee. It’s my Sure-Pack Vaycay tee.
Finding a wonderful tee that is classic and special at the same time, and that fits, well, to a tee, is a rare and wonderful thing. When I find such a tee, I’m sure to pack it for many a vacation. I will inevitably reach for it on days when chilling is the only item on the agenda. Or when making a quick jaunt to an emergency room. Or on times when Nate makes me get out of bed before the sun rises.
I have never been a sunrise kind of girl. I do, you know, think they’re beautiful and inspiring. However, I also really enjoy looking at pictures of them.
So when the time comes to actually get out of bed at 5am, I will most likely mumble something like, “Can you take a picture of it and show it to me at like 10:15?”
It’s a vacation. My first priority is always going to be Adventuring. But a very close second has to be Sleeping. And whenever possible, I like my Adventuring to interfere with my Sleeping as little as humanly possible.
And it seems like I went from one vacation sunrise pusher, my father, to another, Nate. Nate was up at sunrise almost every day when we were in Hawaii. It was really rather nauseating.
Then he said, “Kerry, you have to experience at least one Hawaiian sunset in your life!”
And I agreed. But that didn’t mean I was happy about it!
Here’s an attempt at pretending to frolic joyously in the golden glow of a tropical sunrise:
Here’s what I really was feeling inside (and Nate is just making fun of me):
Looking back on this day, I would say without hesitation that if there was a chance that I could be back on that lava-rock strewn beach with the waves crashing all around me and the scent of plumeria on the breeze and all I needed to do was get up every day before the sun, I would do it in a heartbeat.
And I would smile!
After my coffee, of course…
Oh, and if any of you were curious as to my emergency room statement above, I did bring this tee to a family trip to Florida this past fall. There was an incident involving faulty engineering, a high wind advisory, an energetic nephew, a doting grandfather, a teeny unhappy niece, two screen doors, a balcony, a luggage cart full groceries, my hand, and a really really heavy door.
Oh, also some tears, blood, and swearing (although restrained due to said nephew and niece).
As a result, I have two little scars on one finger and a smashed sterling ring.
Now that’s an Adventure!
The LBD Project: February Edition
Item: Tunic/Dress Color/Fabric: Silver, linen Designer: Alice and Olivia Where Purchased: Marshall’s Years Owned: 0.33
It is officially April, and already I am behind in my LBD Project! Let’s just be kind and say that March and I ended up parting ways as bitter enemies. Things did not exactly go my way in March.
No matter- April is here, and although we are only in the earliest stages of our courtship, I think we may have something special together. I hope!
So this is how I chose to style my LBD in February. I really, really, really had my heart set on wearing this shimmery tunic. I am a little obsessed with Alice and Olivia. All their clothing seem to be for a girl who always has a party to go to, and will undoubtedly always be the life of said party. This girl and I are very fond of each other.
I purchased this just before Christmas, and was really looking forward to wearing it to multiple Christmas parties I didn’t end up going to.
Just after Christmas, I planned to wear it for a little dinner party with a few friends. But I wasn’t able to go home between work and dinner, and had to rely on Nate to gather clothes to change into. “There’s a silver, shimmery longish vest-like tank,” I told him. “Do you see it?”
“Yes!” He answered confidently. And then proceeded to show up at the gym with a silver chemise.
You know. Chemise. As in, actual lingerie. Not this tunic, at all. Not meant to be worn in public.
For a second, I was mortified. Then I shrugged. What could I do? Either try the chemise, or go out in yoga pants. So I threw the chemise over my black long-sleeve tee, and made it work to the best of my ability. And I’m actually rather proud of that moment!
But by the time Valentine’s day came around, I still had not worn this. So it seemed like the perfect time to try it!
However. Sometimes fashion is hard.
I have to admit that I think I failed this time. The look I was going for was fashion-forward, Olsen-twin-esque covered up, yet still sexy. The look I achieved is somewhere between school-marm and pilgrim.
Hot, no?
Truly, some people are very turned on by such a prudish look. A few, surely. There must be someone, I think…
Nate actually got stuck at work, and so wasn’t able to talk me off of this particular fashion ledge. And I had a lovely night out with some lovely friends on Valentine’s Day. The kind of friends that will never judge me for dressing like a fledgling nun.
I think it is back to the drawing board for my shimmery tunic. I will try it again, differently. And in April, I have to wear my LBD twice. March just got away from me…
Zooby Zooby Zoo!
Item: Dress Color/Fabric: Cobalt, cotton Designer: LAMade Where Purchased: Anthropologie Years Owned: Three
I have a problem with anticipation.
I can’t just let it seep into me slowly.
I open the flood gate wide. I let a torrent into me, and it swallows everything. It rages through me, swirling faster and faster, growing ever more powerful, drowning rational thought and moderation.
Basically, I cease to be a functional human being.
I’m just a swirling cauldron of anticipation.
This is a bad thing for many reasons. First, it makes time go too fast. What do I care about boring, non-event days? I just want to get through them to be closer to the Event. And we all know that time goes too fast as it is, so this is a problem.
Second, once the Event is over, I have nothing to look forward to. Just an endless expanse of empty days. Which shouldn’t be a problem, really, but it depresses me. I can’t help it.
And so I wish I could learn to tame my anticipation, calm it down a little, enough to focus on other things, like basic life. It’s just something I haven’t learned how to do yet.
There are so many things I haven’t learned to do yet.
Well, March is nearly at a close, and I feel as if I’ve wished all the days away in anticipation of Events that occurred this past weekend. Mainly, the Hunger Games movie and the premier of the new season of Mad Men.
They were both quite wonderful, of course, and worthy of a flood of anticipation. But still I wish just a little that I had paid a little more attention to the other days of March that weren’t quite as eventful…
Anyway, Mad Men is a show that just captivates me. The first time I saw it was on my flight to Germany a few years ago. I loved it, instantly. Of course, for the fashion. How I would love to have been born in an era where glamour was so taken for granted!There weren’t many choices for a woman except to be a lady.
I want to be ladylike. What a lovely adjective!
And then I was drawn in by the characters and the drama and the subtlety. But after those initial four episodes, I didn’t get a chance to see the show again until almost two years later, after I had my surgery.
My wonderful friends Lizzie and Vicki got me the first season, and then I ended up watching all three seasons in about two weeks. I couldn’t leave the house. There was also a great deal of pain medication. I may have believed I did actually live in the 60’s for a while…
And when Season Four premiered, Lizzie came to watch with me, and I wore this blue dress, with a white belt and white flats.
In my head I looked like Betty Draper doing housework. But I have a feeling I actually looked more like Sally Draper.
That’s because I used this when I was costuming Bye Bye Birdie, and a fifteen-year old wore it, and I felt too old to ever wear it again.
It’s short. My knee caps show.
Isn’t there a thing where women’s knees aren’t supposed to show ever again after 30?
So I moved this too the Costume Closet for a while. I’m not sure if I will ever wear this in real life. I want to. It makes me feel like Jess in The New Girl!
Is it too little girly? Plus, the fit is a little odd- it’s rather boxy. Not the nipped waist I would like in my retro clothing. But I do like the color. Should it go back it the Costume Closet, or is it time to part?
In closing, I only let myself be a little depressed today after the anticipation was over. I do still have many things to look forward to! Lizzie coming home, summer, The New Girl, a trip with friends, being in a show again, a clean white porch, additional Hunger Games movies, surgery, Vampyre, a family jaunt, the City.
Also, tomorrow.
The Sound Of Silence.
Item: Sweater Color/Fabric: Brown/orange, wool/cashmere Designer: Prada Where Purchased: Woodbury Common Years Owned: 5
I want to write tonight. So badly! I long for the gentle pressure of the keys beneath my fingers, and the encouragement of the happy blinking cursor. To sort my thoughts into straight, orderly lines that end with a period. Or an exclamation point!
But sometimes the wanting just isn’t enough.
Tonight, I only have a sweater. It’s not whispering any forgotten memories into my ear. It doesn’t seem to have a tale to tell.
It’s just a brown sweater on a tiny mannequin.
I’m not sure what brought this sweater into my mind the other day. I haven’t worn it in so long.
I did write extensively about the day I got this (read it here), so I won’t spend much time on that tonight. Just say that it’s still one of my most painful memories…
Actually, there is one occasion where I am absolutely certain of wearing this little sweater. It was after my very first show at the Center, Chicago, and I wore it to an audition. My favorite type of audition- one where I wasn’t actually auditioning!
I went just to support Nate, but it ended up being a rather fateful evening. I ran into Annie, who is a dear friend now, but then I was just getting to know. She told me that she was looking for help at her job, and asked if I might be interested in working one or two nights a week, in child care.
It turns out that she worked at a gym called MAC Fitness, and I took the job. Somehow, six years has gone by! And still, I work for MAC Fitness.
I went from childcare to the Front Desk, to the Front Desk Manager, to a Personal Trainer, and for the past three and a half years, Personal Training Manager.
And so I have a career. Which is something I thought I’d never have, or even want, but, somehow, here I am.
And so I am blessed. I can’t imagine my life without the people who have become a part of it through MAC Fitness. I have an amazing staff, and unbelievable clients.
But sometime I can’t help but wonder where I would be now if I had said no to Annie. Would I have gotten to sit at my spot by the river on this gorgeous day, with my notebook, and my coffee thermos, and my racing mind, watching birds and writing relentlessly?
I suppose there’s no use in asking questions like that. There isn’t an answer.
I do believe that there is a reason and a purpose for all that occurs. And that where I’m meant to be is where I am, in this moment, in the present.
What more is there to know?
Adventuring!
Item: Sweatshirt Color/Fabric: Grey, cotton Designer: Mike and Chris Where Purchased: Next Boutique Years Owned: Five
Here I am, again, starting again! I was building quite a lot of momentum and enthusiasm from organizing my old posts, and passing judgement. I was ready and eager to start writing consistently again, and then something happened that knocked me off my feet for a while. It’s taken a little time, but I’ve put myself together again. And here I am!
Going through all my old posts made me think. It’s been a long time since I’ve been on an adventure. Even now, sitting here in the dark on a balmy March evening, I can feel the world singing its siren song to me, beckoning me to leave my safe, quiet home and see her splendors.
I get this feeling a lot.
It began one night when I was a freshman in college, and I had an epiphany. I can’t remember the event that sparked this particular epiphany, but I will never forget the outcome. I identified two of the secret, true desires of my heart. It is, in fact, quite a Big Deal to identify any secret, true desires of one’s heart. A very, very Big Deal. If you don’t believe me, you probably haven’t identified any of yours yet. You will. Let me know when you do!
Mine were, as follows:
1) To obtain a job where I got to pet a Golden Lion Tamarin each and every day.
2) To see as much of the world as I possible could in my meager lifetime.
These desires were born out of a certain and absolute realization of the undeniable brevity of life. It seemed ridiculous to think of spending any of my precious few moments on earth working at something that didn’t bring me a bounty of joy. And an even bigger shame to not get to know and love as many of the beautiful and unique corners of the earth in which we make our home.
Sadly, I have never obtained the first secret, true desire of my heart.
But the second one is coming along quite nicely!
One of my favorite places I have visited has to be Budapest.
And, I think, one of the most adventuring.
Since my grandfather’s family came from Hungary, I was eager to go and learn a little of my heritage. A few of the things I was looking forward to; churches, paprika, art, a castle, thermal baths, opera, food, medieval architecture, massive statues, and tracking down a dish my grandmother used to make called galuska.
Some of those things occurred. Some did not.
I got very sick when we were in Budapest, and I could not make it to a thermal spa. I can’t help but wonder if my poor bones would feel better now if I had.
But we almost didn’t make it there at all. We drove from Austria, had very poor directions, and miscalculated when the sun would go down.
And so, hours were spent driving down narrow unmarked roads. In vain we attempted to find someone who spoke English. Many tears were shed.
And then finally we realized that the road named were on the sides of the building and not posted on signs.
Epiphany!
That’s why it’s called adventuring, I suppose…
Another tale of this particular journey was told here.
In addition to getting lost and getting sick, there was also a giant fight. And cold rain. But also, this:
This is outside Buda Castle. The statues in Budapest are some of the best I’ve ever seen. Very, undeniably, fierce. And many, many hunting themes.
I ended up discovering that some of my grandmothers dishes were more polish than Hungarian. But we sampled richly the culinary delights of Hungary; meaty, spicy dishes with floral wine.
Yes, our visit to this powerful place was a little tumultuous, but I think that is fitting for the city she is. Two distinct entities in one being. East and West merging and mingling. Magical.
I will go back again, and not just to try the thermal spa of legend. Budapest just has a hold on me, is all.
As for this sweatshirt, this is something that I felt very guilty for buying. A little pricey. But it’s been wonderful- a sweatshirt I can wear to work at the gym and then throw on with jeans to go out. It’s cozy. And practical. I also am sadly lacking in the sweatshirt department, so I think it should stay.
Baby, Come Back!
I know I haven’t been that consistent these days, but I have been busy! I’ve been working every night, going through old posts and sorting them. Check out the new Category Menu on the right- you can now see what I’ve decided to Keep and Toss, and what I still can’t make my mind up about.
If you happen to see something in the Toss Category that tickles your fancy, just let me know and it’s yours! If you live far away, we can work out a cheap shipment option. If something makes you think of someone you know and you think they might like it, would you kindly direct them here to check it out?
Also, should you find time, check out my Undecided Pieces, and vote, or vote again. In these instances, I need a little more help than usual.
I’ve had so much fun going through my posts, and reformatting the page, and I am more motivated than ever to get back into a regular writing routine. I love hearing your feedback, and I love doing this, and I’m ready to tell the world!
If you read something you like, will you subscribe to my blog, or share a post, or click “Like,” or tell your friends, or Re-blog it, or notify the newspapers, or proclaim it to the heavens, or whatever your heart tells you to do? I’d love to have a few more readers!
Thanks to everyone who has supported me in this venture so far. I love you all dearly, and am excited to move onward and upward!
Nightmare Hippy Girl.
Item: Dress Color/Fabric: Skye blue, polyester Designer: XOXO Where Purchased: The Salvation Army Years Owned: Three
I am about to stir up a little trouble.
Are you ready? This might hurt. It might hurt a lot.
I’m going to talk about the thing that I don’t like to talk about.
A thing that I have abused, hated, wept over, and insulted.
I have tried in vain to make some sort of pact with God for an exchange.
I have tried to accept its flaws and love its merits, to no avail.
I wish I could. I will never have another, and this one has certainly tried do what I ask of it.
I am referring to my body.
I’m not sure how this intense love/hate/mostly hate relationship started. It wasn’t one specific thing. I’ve just never been one of those confident, comfortable in her skin, if-you’ve-got-it-flaunt-it kind of girls.
Most of my angst is focused on my lower body, particularly my hips. Also the booty. I remember being a teenager, getting ready to leave the house and hearing the dreaded “That’s what you’re wearing??” from my mom. When I would answer the inevitable defiant “Yes!”, she would follow with a shrug. “Ok. It’s just… that skirt makes you look “hippy.”
Hippy.
I cannot convey how much I absolutely loathe that word!
Sometimes when I wear something formfitting, like this dress, that word, “Hippy”, will echo through my head, making me feel like a self-conscious teenager all over again.
I don’t want to moan over the stereotypical gripe “Super models made me hate my body!!”, but I have always longed to be lithe and leggy. Or a soft and voluptuous hourglass, like Marilyn Monroe. How I would love to be at one end of the spectrum or the other, and not stuck somewhere in the middle!
Alas, it is not to be. And at last, solidly into my 30’s, I am starting to accept that fact.
But I have spent so many years hating and cursing my hips and booty that I wonder if perhaps that’s part of the reason why I am facing my second hip surgery. Maybe all the negative vibes I’ve focused into that area have caused it to turn on me. Or maybe just collapse in defeat, under a mountain of hatred . Maybe I did bring this on myself.
Anyway, I have learned a few things these past couple of years, dealing with pain and injury.
I know I said it before, but you really do only get one body. This is it!
Everyone has things that they don’t like about theirs, and no one else’s opinion means anything.
No matter what shape, no matter what the appearance, everyone’s body is miraculous. It does astounding things, everyday. Respect that.
The world is filled with too much negativity, overflowing with hatred. Don’t add to it.
There are so many things that want to be your enemy in life, that try to knock you down and make you cry. You shouldn’t be one of them.
There is no type of love like self-love. It nourishes from within, and makes us glow from the inside out. And it can be cultivated!
I’m not saying it’s easy. It takes work, on a daily basis. Sometimes, just saying aloud, “I love myself!” can help a great deal.
For example. I have only worn this dress a single time, in Hawaii, which is the perfect place to wear it. And I felt like I looked like a centaur. So I moved it to the costume closet, where it has long sat, forgotten.
It does have a romantic, vintage pin-up girl kind of feel to it. I want to love it. But I don’t know if I can love myself in it. So is it worth keeping?
PS. I love you! And also myself.
I Am What I Wore 