And Just Like That…

voltee ♦ March 3, 2024 ♦ 2 Comments

…here I am!

So, it’s been a while. Yes. I know. Practically a lifetime. Or, to be specific, two lifetimes. Two adorable lives have entered mine- sweet, precious horcruxes who have nearly sucked all the me out of me. Nearly, but not quite! There’s a bit of me in here still, clamoring for a voice. I’ve thought about giving her one for far too long, always wondering if anyone would listen, or care. The call has been growing stronger and stronger, and since the turn of 2024, I’ve logged back into this website a few times, the first in so many years, and I’ve thought about it. Tonight, though, I had a whole plan for the night. A plan that included cleaning, a video game, a show, and sleep. But absolutely no writing. And then, while I was washing dishes, something pulled at my heart. And it was too strong to resist. Suddenly, just like Elsa, I was helpless to resist and I had to follow the call- until at last I opened this laptop, and here I am. Hello!

I suppose I’m through with caring if anyone cares if I write this. Or if anyone will read it. That used to be the drive for me, my main reason for writing. Now, though? It’s for me. If you’re here, too, thank you! I’m so glad. But now, this is for me.

I am definitely having a crisis of confidence, oh, absolutely. Can I still write? Or maybe more importantly, can I remember? Six solid years of sleep deprivation have turned my brains to mush, it feels. As I was falling asleep last night, I tried to remember the date of a monumental event that happened to me last year. It just was nowhere to be found. I know that countless other sparkling gems of remembrance are floating around in my unconscious, happily undisturbed. Can I grab ahold of any of those slippery little things? And even if I am able to, can I do any of them any sort of justice? Do I even remember how to work this website, at all? Who can say? I just don’t know. But I’m going to give it a go. Here’s why.

I have stories to tell, still, of course! And they need to be told, yes. But the biggest reason is that I’ve been walking around for two years like a zombie. I have looked the same, and been a functioning human being, and done my best to be a good mother and wife and friend and person. I’ve been doing alright, I think. But inside there is nothing but a heart shattered into a million pieces. Just uncountable tiny fragments of who I used to be, rattling around in there, useless and pointless and painful. I can’t say that I need to “find myself” again- I am not lost. I know exactly where I went.

When I say that this is for me, I mean that I hope that by putting some of these memories into words, framed by my wardrobe, however uncool it might be these days, I can sort through some things that need sorting. But also I have loved going back and reading these stories, things I have forgotten, details that have been lost to me. So I’m doing it for that, too. A few months ago, I found the comments section of this blog. Two of my biggest supporters are now gone. I love reading their words, and it was such an unexpected gift at a time I really needed it. So that’s another reason.

This is maybe more melancholy than I intended. So, yeah, I have some stuff, to be sure. I will not always be this emotional, I promise. But this feels so good. This is a Big Deal. This is a sort of homecoming! I’m back, bitches. Tell all your friends.