Nightmare Hippy Girl.
Item: Dress Color/Fabric: Skye blue, polyester Designer: XOXO Where Purchased: The Salvation Army Years Owned: Three
I am about to stir up a little trouble.
Are you ready? This might hurt. It might hurt a lot.
I’m going to talk about the thing that I don’t like to talk about.
A thing that I have abused, hated, wept over, and insulted.
I have tried in vain to make some sort of pact with God for an exchange.
I have tried to accept its flaws and love its merits, to no avail.
I wish I could. I will never have another, and this one has certainly tried do what I ask of it.
I am referring to my body.
I’m not sure how this intense love/hate/mostly hate relationship started. It wasn’t one specific thing. I’ve just never been one of those confident, comfortable in her skin, if-you’ve-got-it-flaunt-it kind of girls.
Most of my angst is focused on my lower body, particularly my hips. Also the booty. I remember being a teenager, getting ready to leave the house and hearing the dreaded “That’s what you’re wearing??” from my mom. When I would answer the inevitable defiant “Yes!”, she would follow with a shrug. “Ok. It’s just… that skirt makes you look “hippy.”
Hippy.
I cannot convey how much I absolutely loathe that word!
Sometimes when I wear something formfitting, like this dress, that word, “Hippy”, will echo through my head, making me feel like a self-conscious teenager all over again.
I don’t want to moan over the stereotypical gripe “Super models made me hate my body!!”, but I have always longed to be lithe and leggy. Or a soft and voluptuous hourglass, like Marilyn Monroe. How I would love to be at one end of the spectrum or the other, and not stuck somewhere in the middle!
Alas, it is not to be. And at last, solidly into my 30’s, I am starting to accept that fact.
But I have spent so many years hating and cursing my hips and booty that I wonder if perhaps that’s part of the reason why I am facing my second hip surgery. Maybe all the negative vibes I’ve focused into that area have caused it to turn on me. Or maybe just collapse in defeat, under a mountain of hatred . Maybe I did bring this on myself.
Anyway, I have learned a few things these past couple of years, dealing with pain and injury.
I know I said it before, but you really do only get one body. This is it!
Everyone has things that they don’t like about theirs, and no one else’s opinion means anything.
No matter what shape, no matter what the appearance, everyone’s body is miraculous. It does astounding things, everyday. Respect that.
The world is filled with too much negativity, overflowing with hatred. Don’t add to it.
There are so many things that want to be your enemy in life, that try to knock you down and make you cry. You shouldn’t be one of them.
There is no type of love like self-love. It nourishes from within, and makes us glow from the inside out. And it can be cultivated!
I’m not saying it’s easy. It takes work, on a daily basis. Sometimes, just saying aloud, “I love myself!” can help a great deal.
For example. I have only worn this dress a single time, in Hawaii, which is the perfect place to wear it. And I felt like I looked like a centaur. So I moved it to the costume closet, where it has long sat, forgotten.
It does have a romantic, vintage pin-up girl kind of feel to it. I want to love it. But I don’t know if I can love myself in it. So is it worth keeping?
PS. I love you! And also myself.
- Posted in: Fashion
- Tagged: body image, Hawaii, love, Salvation Army, Self-esteem, xoxo
I Am What I Wore 
Oh my love…where to begin? First – for those of us that have always been in awe of your body and what you are able to do with it (this sounds dirty) it helps to hear that you have issues too…it only seems fair. But I’m glad you ended on the positive…and I couldn’t agree more. Tell yourself that everyday.
As for the dress…if you don’t feel good – why keep it? But I thought you looked stunning…so…that’s where I am left.
Haha, thanks, love! I needed that today. Also, guess what? You were my 600th comment! You should get a prize!! 🙂
Yoga has helped me so much in the constant struggle of trying to love myself. It’s like I fall in love with myself all over again every time I do it. It’s amazing! The first few poses are the courtship, then we get into some nitty gritty with the occassional angst and annoyance and then by the end I’m moving as one, body and mind and finally you get to just be with yourself. Heaven! Just that feeling of “this is what I can do now and I’m so happy I can do this. I can bend this far and that’s amazing, even if my hands are still a few feet away from touching the ground.” 🙂 I can’t wait to do yoga with you so we can love our bodies together! (again…like Kevin’s…a little dirty, but you know what I mean :))
I love this comment! Beautiful… I hope I can do yoga pain free soon…
I’m sad to hear that you dislike your body so much, because I think you’re beautiful! No wait, I know you’re beautiful. I hope you can do pain-free yoga with Liz soon so you can love your body!
Thanks, Angelica! I know you are beautiful, too! 🙂
I remember seeing you on stage in a bra and underwear, my friend who was sitting next to me said “There Is no way I could do that part”, and my reply was,”If I had THAT girl’s body I would do the part naked!” I know we all are super critical of ourselves, but you are the perfect combo of curves, athleticism, and adorableness!! Rock on in that dress!!!
Thanks so much, Maria, you make me blush! And I would have to say the same about you! 🙂 And yes, adorableness is a word. In my world.
Is adorableness a word?