Round And Round.

voltee ♦ January 19, 2012 ♦ 4 Comments

The idea for this post has been a-creepin’ and a-crawlin’ around in my brain since the beginining of December, but every time I actually attempted to sit down and write it, I just got lost. All tangled up in a giant writhing mass of angst, thought, hope, regret, shame, and uncertainty. Ready for a new start, but unable to see how to get there.
A few months ago, I had a brief moment of clarity while listening to John Lennon- “Watching The Wheels.” I realized that I had much that I needed to let go of; but I have never been good at throwing anything away (hence this blog!).
It’s as if, as a child, I had somehow invented this concept that if I was a good person, and worked hard, eventually my life would be full of magic. And for years I would evaluate my life, realize that nothing magical lived there, and throw myself into the pit of despair. Where I would stay, until watching a movie (usually “Amelie”) or something that made me realize “Yes! The magic is everywhere! All around me!!” Tears of joy would be shed, resolutions made, a heart transformed!
Then I would wake up the next morning, and reality would snidely rear its ugly head.
I think that I figured that all the work one does in life somehow accumulates, and eventually you have enough saved up so that life becomes, eventually, easy. It’s like life was a giant wheel. For a while, my energy and joy and love for living knew no bounds. I could not wait to run on the wheel, make it turn, set everything in motion. Then, after a while, I just wanted to ride on it for a bit, enjoying the momentum. And then I decided to get off and just watch it, reveling in the beauty of the spinning. One day, I stumbled, and hobbled along for a spell, growing terrified of the wheel as it chased me down. Until eventually, it seemed like a good idea to just lay down in front of it and let the wheel roll right over me.
And I’ve been lying here, squashed, ever since.
I want to unsquash! It’s time.
Here is my motivation:

I want to be this girl again. This was a girl who said, “Hey, world! Guess who’s comin’ attcha??” Who honestly believed that she could do anything. Who said “I’m going to be me, and I don’t give a (what?) about what anyone else thinks!” It was a lie, of course, but that girl said it anyway.
My lovely friend Lizzie gave me a book over the summer called “The Happiness Project.” It’s been both an inspiration and and a frustration to me, because I both wanted and did not want to try to make an effort to be happy. But today I realized that my problem was, as usual, a matter of perspective. It was too daunting for me to think of working for happiness for an entire year. Instead, I will strive to make every individual day a happiness project. Some days it will be in large quantities, some days a little more meager, some days one type, other days another, but I am going to try to find at least a little bit in every day.
For me, a big part is transforming many things I used to love from chores that bring me stress back into the things that give me joy. Like writing. And creating art. Creating anything! I just need to hop back on that wheel and start it rolling again.
There is such a thing as magic. It is all around us. It is inside us.
And I find so much of it in you!