Geronimo!!

voltee ♦ July 10, 2015 ♦ Leave a comment

I am mere minutes away from yet another birthday. And in many ways I am dreading it.  And in many ways I am ready for it.

Dreading it, because being another year older means more to me now than just a few more gray hairs, or one more wrinkle.  There is a clock, ticking steadily on, that one day will run down.  And I think about it often.

But I’m ready for it, too, because 36, as you probably know,  was not the best for me.  The first half was actually pretty epic.  There were numerous, unforgettable highs!  But then the lowest low I’ve ever experienced.  And I’m still climbing my way out of it, slowly but surely.

So, yeah.  I’m ready to turn a new page, and am hopeful that 37 comes with much less heartbreak.

But I am no longer as naive as I used to be.  I have a new, unwanted wisdom.  I wouldn’t say that it’s made my heart hard, because I’ve fought very, very hard not to let that happen.  Let’s just say that it’s made my heart more cautious.

And has caused me lately to wonder which is worse- the fear of falling, or the fear of not jumping?  It’s not the first time I’ve wondered this, but this time it’s certainly the most poignant. My plot has thickened with the addition of two conditions, a blood clotting disorder and an auto-immune disorder that could affect me or my baby if I do get pregnant again.  It’s not the direst of news, by any means, and I feel pretty great physically.  But there has been a good deal of pondering in my heart.

Nate told me a few days ago that my new motto needs to be Geronimo.  Say Geronimo, and jump!  he said.  And I’m going to try my very best!

37 is going to start with a bang.  We’re finally going to take a few mini-breaks and get away for a few days, which I’ve been yearning for since March.  And I get to see my favorite band in the world- twice!  And there are many more wonderful things to look forward to, like weddings!

At this point, there’s no reason not to be optimistic.

I still feel sad, though.  I’m sitting here, watching the minutes slip away, getting closer and closer to midnight.  And feeling more and more tears pooling in my eyes.  I’m not sure why, exactly. I’ve been doing so much better with crying thing.

I guess it feels like the end of something.  If there’s a beginning, there must be an end, right?  But I’m not sure what is ending.  Not my grief, certainly.  But not my hope, either.  Maybe it’s just saying goodbye to 36 that is hard…

And, like that, it’s gone.  I am 37. And so…

Geronimo!!