Now Or Never!

voltee ♦ March 28, 2013 ♦ Leave a comment

Item: Blouse Color/Fabric: Mossy/Paisley, Acrylic/Wool Designer: Lux Where Purchased: Urban Outfitters Years Owned: 10+

So lately, I haven’t been able to stop thinking about this phrase. In the past, I’ve always thought of it as an ultimatum type word. You know. “Put a ring on my finger now, or you’ll never see me again.” Or “Ambrosius, if you don’t turn around right this second (now), I will never feed you again.” That sort of thing.
Now, though, specifically these last few months, it’s come to mean more to me.
If I do not do a thing now, I will never do it.
Very literally, absolutely true.
And it’s not that “You never know what tomorrow will hold, so don’t wait” thing. It’s just truly that if I don’t do something or set something in motion now, this instant, it’s just not ever going to happen.
I am the same person I will be next week, six months from now, 10 years from now. The same person with big dreams and small drive. The same person who can’t seem to ever get enough of procrastination. If I am reluctant to do something right now, I will be exactly as reluctant in six months.
There just isn’t ever going to be a better opportunity, a more perfect moment. This is the moment. Now. Today.
Maybe this statement isn’t true for everyone. I know it’s true for me.
Therefore. If I don’t start writing my book now, it’s never going to happen. I will not magically wake up one day with the desire to get out of my warm bed and start typing. I will not discover some untapped pot of energy that I will delve into one night after work. I will not one day receive a surprise inheritance that allows me to stay home and write all day long. There is no point waiting. These things just aren’t going to happen.
Either I am a writer now, or I will never be.
I started this blog as an exercise for my writing muscles, and to prove to myself that it absolutely was possible for me to maintain an full time job, come home, switch gears, and write.
Success!
I failed, though, in converting that success into other aspects of writing. Like working on my novel.
I hate the way that sounds- my novel. I don’t feel qualified to say that. Maybe I might be some day, if it is ever published. I guess for now I’ll stick with “my manuscript.”
Or does that sound even more pretentious? Ugh.
Anyway. I have written a book. And also fifteen pages of its sequel.
But I haven’t touched either of them in almost five years. Five years!
I wasn’t sure I’d even be able to find the second one. I couldn’t remember where I had saved it, all those years ago. But my patient hubby helped me find it, and I instantly had to read every word.
It was the same as reading the words of a stranger. There was something ever so vaguely familiar about them, but mostly they felt utterly foreign. I feel so far removed from the theme, the characters, the plot. The process. It’s a world that has spit me out.
And I am completely overwhelmed by the idea of somehow trying to get back in.
But I sure am going to try!
April is NaNoWriMo, a month where lunatics across this great nation of ours attempt to write a 50,000 word novel in 30 days.
I want to be one of those lunatics!!
I think NaNoWriMo used to be in November, but now it happens multiple times per year. No matter. This is the only month I’ve ever felt prepared to try it.
What, pray tell, does all of this have to do with this sweet hippie blouse?
Well, since I made this mental commitment, I’ve been reminiscing about what it was like to write my first manuscript. Or whatever you want to call it. The idea came to me during a run, when I was still living in Michigan. I didn’t really start writing it until I moved to New York, but those early days of dreaming and brainstorming, when absolutely anything seemed possible, still glitter like jewels in my memory.
This top is one of the few garments that I still have from those days. It has narrowly escaped the chopping block on about a decade of closet clean outs. I just can’t seem to let it go, though. But I have absolutely no idea how long it’s been since I’ve worn it. This was one of my favorite $1 items at Urban Outfitters, and I know I got my money’s worth out of it! I just can’t remember when.
I was completely charmed by the shape of it and the cute macrame neckline, though, when I put it on Trixie. I think that a hang up I always had about this was that it’s a tad short. I typically like tops to hit me a little lower.
However, I do have a fabulous pair of Farrah Fawcett jeans that I have been wearing constantly lately. They would look great with this.
The question remains: Have I held onto this for all these years for nostalgic or aesthetic reasons? Is one a more valid reason to keep clothing than the other?
So. 50,000 words is a lot. A whole heck of a lot. Even in focusing on quantity over quality, I may not succeed.
It’s ok if I fail. At least I will have given it one more try.
I have a lot to prove to myself.
If I don’t do it now, I never will.
So here’s to now!
And by now, I mean four days from now.