Penny For Your Thoughts! Part Three (AKA The Nipple Post)

voltee ♦ January 4, 2013 ♦ Leave a comment

Every so often, I enjoy taking the focus off of my own dubious fashion decisions and onto those of others.
Today, I am setting my sights on the Kardashians.
Not all of them. That would take entirely too much time.
While I do have an endless expanse of evening before me, with an empty schedule and a full bottle of French wine, I would like to sleep a bit tonight.
So tonight, I’m just choosing one: Khloe.
I was a little distressed when I learned that she would be hosting the X-Factor this year. I had previously been very proud of my anti-Kardashianism. I don’t think any of them need any more money, so I will not watch their shows.
But I semi-like the X-Factor. It’s not that I think that it’s good, per se. It’s just rather hard to avert my eyes. It’s sort of like a car accident, but with fireworks, ridiculous costumes, nearly synchronized dancing, and Simon Cowell.
And then I was a little intrigued by the prospect of her hosting. Could she possibly be as awesomely bad as Steve “Handsome Man, Handsome Man” Jones?
I tuned in to find out.
Imagine my surprise when, on her very first night as host, I saw not only Khloe, but also her two little friends.
And by “friends” I mean nipples. Look:

Instantly, I was outraged.
Outraged!
This is a family show! There are children watching! There are children performing!! Sweet, innocent teenager Arin Ray had to worry not only about singing live in front of an audience of millions, but also standing next to those high beams. Talk about pressure!
Surely, Khloe, however old she is, (35? 50? No clue) has learned by now what will happen if one mixes large, unencumbered breasts, fine silk blouses, and an air conditioned building. Is it honestly that difficult to just put on a darn bra? Don’t most of us with paying jobs usually need to do that at work, even though it’s not that much fun?
And then, I saw a few disturbing things.
A thirteen-year old in a leather bustier and heels. Innocent Arin getting ground upon by girls in booty shorts while he sang. A blush (or gag) inducing amount of Simon Cowell’s glistening (most likely with argan oil) chest hair.
Hmm.
I wondered, Is this, indeed, a family show? Is this, perhaps, show business at its most smarmy and sordid?
Hmm…
What, truly, is so harmful about a nipple?
Have we all just become American Prudes?
I did falter a bit even typing the word nipple, all “What am I saying, nipple”-Clark Griswold style.
It’s the American way.
Remember the outrage over Janet Jackson’s nipple, and the deafening cries to save our sweet American eyeballs from future nipple atrocities?
And yet, turn to almost any channel, at any time, and you will find blood. Violence. Guns. Drugs.
Don’t those sort of things deserve greater outrage??
Pause.
Back to Khloe.
Weeks after I decided that her faux pas was actually no big deal, I decided to look it up on the interweb.
Apparently, it was kind of a big deal. Despite numerous attempts to cover the rogue nipple with her pedigreed locks, there was still a public outcry over it.
Khloe blames Hurricane Sandy; the hurricane stalled delivery of her blouse, and it was only delivered on the very day of the taping (!), so there was no time to screen test it and check for offensiveness! It was, of course, her only option to wear. I hear those Kardashians have very sparse closets. And no one on the staff of hundreds knew what might happen when a silk blouse and no bra combined.
Anyway.
I am sure that I was only initially angered at first because I secretly wanted to be, since she is a Kardashian.
If it was Zoe Deschanel, with a pert bow on her head, blinking those charming doe-eyes at me, would I have been offended by a little nip?
Probably not.
And so. My final verdict is that I am fairly certain that it won’t be a nipple that brings about the end of the world.
But does that make nipple-prominence acceptable in the workplace, or public life?
Many of the world’s most legendary and enduring fashion icons managed entire lifetimes of being photographed with nary a nip-slip or up-skirt. Jackie Kennedy Onasis. Audrey Hepburn. Grace Kelly. Kate Moss.
Just joking about Kate Moss.
So where is the line in the sand, my friends?